Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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