i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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