Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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