The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
