my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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