the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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