woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
He is an equal opportunity slut.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Randomize
