I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Randomize
