smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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