Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
false alarm. still invincible.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
