So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
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