if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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