I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
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