Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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