Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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