the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
