I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Randomize
