ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Randomize
