literally had 100 drinks last night.
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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