Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
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