I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
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then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
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IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
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