I'll bet she douches with gravy.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
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I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
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I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
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