that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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