her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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