Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
