I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
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