I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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