Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Randomize
