weddingsv make me drug and hornr
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
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