There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
