i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
She just used a chaser for red wine.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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