She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
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