she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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