Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
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