she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
I just found a bag of teeth...
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
