There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize