Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Randomize
