so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
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It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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