tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I think I just sharted jello shots
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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