yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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