I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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