you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
