i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
