is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize
