So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
