p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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