8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.