I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.