Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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