John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
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