I cannot find my penis.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
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