I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Randomize
