Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Randomize
