Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
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