Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
It all started with a game of naked twister.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
