I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.