Jerry, you need to find god
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
