Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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