It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
