New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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