I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
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