HIV tests are more positive than that guy
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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