R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
grandma shit on top of the toilet
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
