Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
they're like a gay fantastic four
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Randomize
