I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
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