Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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